Thanks to everyone who responded to yesterday's cri de coeur. I was feeling pretty low when I posted that, and it was wonderful to read all your words of wisdom and perspective. I set up the humidifier in the bedroom last night, and that also made a huge difference. So, despite today's continued gloom and cold, I am feeling much better.
One of the reasons for my improved outlook is that last night, after tossing and turning miserably for an hour at 10pm, I finally decided just to give in to what my body was demanding, which was to get out of bed, and not try to force myself into what was obviously an uncongenial schedule. I also very consciously made the decision to eat, even though at the time I decided I wasn't entirely sure whether I was physically hungry or just miserable enough to want the quick comfort. As it turned out, I think I was probably hungry, because I ate only a large snack and didn't go after everything in the kitchen. Which is not to say that I didn't get great comfort from the food as well. I wish it weren't such an effective "drug."
Then, this morning, I let myself sleep until 9:30, and lay meditatively in bed for another half hour, allowing myself to come gradually to alertness. I think that made a huge difference in my ability to function the rest of the day, and I actually got a lot done. I planned my tasks for the rest of the week until the first Passover seder, made shopping lists for the various stores I need to visit, and did the first round of shopping (with Carol's help, of course). Life feels much calmer again, and if I need to be baking matzo kugel in the middle of the night, so be it.
How many times do I have to experience it before I learn the lesson that forcing things never works for me? I'm not used to thinking of myself as a slow learner, but this particular insight keeps drifting elusively back into the ether.
At least I do keep learning it again, and always a little bit faster.
A hui hou.