The first seder went very well last night, despite the lack of stuffed mushrooms. It was more than a bit chaotic, with 8 kids aged 6 or less, three of whom were under 2, and when everyone left, it looked a little like the aftermath of a hurricane, but everyone seemed to have a great time, and the food was just fine and more than enough, despite my pre-event worries. This was, of course, totally predictable. The seder starts when it starts, and at that moment whatever we have done is, by definition, enough.
Unfortunately, by the end of the evening, the background congestion in my head that I'd been dealing with all week had morphed into a burning, scratching drip at the back of my throat, which is often how colds and bronchitis start with me. I was (and am) not happy about this. It feels like another stumbling block set before the blind. Drip or not, I still have matzo balls to make as well as another round of mushroom-almond pate. I'm waiting patiently for the impetus to come to me, but given how under the weather I feel (and the weather today is pretty low -- gloomy, unrelenting rain), I'm not sure it ever will. Which means I will have to muster up a reserve from somewhere -- we have 16 more guests coming tonight. And I have to lead the singing.
As long as I've been working on all this inner peace, non-striving stuff, I still have a problem with what to do when physical challenge meets immutable deadline. Something clearly has to give. I can't exactly postpone what is, after all, a time-anchored holiday just because I don't feel well (though obviously, if I were seriously ill, we would have to cancel). On the other hand, I've been trying very hard not to push myself to do things at moments when my whole being is in revolt against them.
I suppose the answer is, as always, patience and trust. I may not feel like getting out of my rocking chair right this minute and mixing up the next batch of whatever, but the chances are that sometime before the absolute last possible minute, I will. And the chances also are that if I wait until that moment of willingness arrives, I'll do a better job and enjoy it more than if I rush in there now and force myself. There's a little voice asking what I'll do if the moment never comes, but I'm trying very hard not to listen. I guess I can always force myself later, if need be. But trusting feels like the better and more compassionate option right now, and not just because I know that's the "right" way to feel.
I'll let you all know how it turns out.
A hui hou.