Have you ever had the experience of trying to spread out a picnic blanket or beach towel in a high wind? It's not a pretty sight. You manage to get one or two corners down and just as you go for the third the wind picks up and messes up the whole arrangement. So you patiently get that third or fourth corner set and go back to re-establish mastery over the first two. You may even find yourself spread-eagled across the whole blanket in a vain attempt to get all four corners down at once.
Sometimes, dealing with a blanket in the wind is a perfect metaphor for what it feels like when you try to change your life. You deal with one issue, then another, then another, and just when you think you're finally getting it all under control, the first issue pops up again and you are hit with a face full of blanket. Only with life changes, there seem to be many more than four corners, so that even the clumsy possibility of spread-eagling is not an option.
This has been my life over the past year -- actually, ever since I first went to Green Mountain. First, I put physical activity back into my life. Then came a couple of years of miserable respiratory health that finally got the better of me. Then I dealt with the ravages of deprivation. Then I learned to deal with the stress in my life. Then I dealt with the deep-seated feelings of anger towards my father. Then I faced the reality of the toll of my recent life on my body. Then I dealt with my feelings about my mother. All of that made the need to be active flap in the wind. Then I dealt with food sensitivities, which I think have gotten the deprivation issues all roused again. Then I got my CPAP machine. Then I started doing strength training again with great regularity, and the need to eat mindfully has flapped up again, rather violently.
Sigh. I really believe, perhaps naively, that if only I could all the corners of the blanket to stay put for even just a little while, I could actually lose some of my excess weight and experience the benefits that would bring. But the wind is gusty and the flapping is so loud it's sometimes hard to hear anything else.
Still, what can I do but keep on trying?
A hui hou.